Tiny house-Big faith

As many of you know or may not know, when Caleb and I moved to Hot Springs we bought my version of a “tiny house” we went from about 1850 sq feet to 1200 sq feet. I know it’s not really tiny, but we downsized. I got accostomed to having lots of space for lots of different thing (mostly Christmas decorations), but now I have to thoughtfully plan out how I am going to arrange my pie plates in my cabinet (yes I have a unhealthy amount of pie plates for one person…don’t judge me). It has been hard, how am I going to function in this tiny house, how am I going to funtion in this tiny bathroom with no cabinet space, how am I going to keep all the stuff that I want……, and it goes on and on and on. I neve thought buying this tiny house would challenge me like it has.

In all honesty about two weeks in, I had a total meltdown. The house felt like I was living in a maze, I couldn’t find any of the things that I needed, I was missing a fair amount of items, and it felt like I was living in some super terrible version of “Ground Hogs Day”, where I spent 10-15 minutes every morning trying to relearn where everything was in this new house. To top if off I wasn’t voicing my frustration to Caleb, I had expected him to tackle the whole new house thing head on and do things like I would and I was getting more and more annoyed that there seemed to be no progress made to getting items organized inside the house. I had finally had it, one day before school I totally lost it. I told Caleb that I hated the house, I wanted to sell it and move somwhere else, I hated how I didn’t know where anything was and I told him that if he wasn’t going to start doing things around the house he needed to find a job ASAP so at least he had an excuse for not taking care of things (by the way he was doing plenty). I also told him I didn’t want to adopt anymore, cause I knew I was going to have to do all the work cause he couldn’t even set the house up the way I wanted it. I blew up, I melted down, it was probably my worst breakdown I have ever had.

This really put us into tailspin on several things, first there was the whole “I hate this house”, no I don’t hate the house, but I do struggle with making it feel like ours when we haven’t been able to set up and make all the changes I want to make to this little place. I know it’s a process but it’s been a slow process mostly becuase I am working like 12hrs a day and we need to have the ceiling taken care of before we can paint (which is happening Tuesday and I can’t wait!!!). Then there was the big one, adoption. I told Caleb I didn’t want to adopt, he took me by total shock when he looked at me and said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to either. Suddendly we find ourselves in this “that esclated quickly” situation, where we really going to end the adoption process??? We asked ourselves this for a long time, we both didn’t know the answer. We both didn’t know 100% how we felt about it anymore the past three to five months had been filled with packing, house hunting, telling people you are leaving one job to take another, anouncing adoption, moving to Hot Springs without Caleb, ALLLLL the house stuff, and then moving into “tiny house”….so it had been a roller coaster of summer to say the least. To top it off we where having a hard time getting a hold of our adoption specialists, which fuled the what the heck are we doing fire.

We took time, we processed A LOT, cause neither one had really taken the time to do that, I am a doer, I do what needs to done when it needs to be done to get the job done. I am terrible at taking the time to process events emotionally, I just put up this wall, rationalize it and move on, over time I stopped allowing myself to be emotionally vunerable with people. I can physically feel myself pulling away when a conversation gets deeper than I want it, because of this I struggle with trust as well. The more I processed all this and other things the more I began to doubt my ability to adopt, the more I realized how many walls adoption is going to break down (….like all of them, and I have a lot of them).

Caleb and I talked more and more about what the other wanted to do or felt like we should do, it was a rough few weeks for sure. The issue of how do we tell people, and how do we give back the money kept coming up. These where our friends and family who believed in us and trusted us enough to support our adoption journey. Not only that we have a whole list of people who believed that we could actually be parents. I don’t remember the exact time or the day, but I remember telling Caleb. The first part of this has been easy, Lakeside made it so easy to say yes to Hot Springs, but why is the rest of it so hard? The ONE big thing I have had to hold to is how obvious it was for me to come to Lakeside, how obvious it was that Lakeside was meant to be my next step. I believe the Lord gave that to me for a reason, I am gonna need it, and I have needed it….. a lot already.

This “tiny house” was another anchor for us, the process to buy this “tiny house” was lickity split, easy peasy lemon squeezy…like for real. It wasn’t chance it was God, this is meant to be our home. This “tiny house” was means to grow us in our faith. We took our first BIG step of faith by continuing in our adoption journey. Yes, we got discouraged, stressed, angry and other things about it, but it’s part of the journey. But this “tiny house” will be the home it was meant to be, it needs work (as do we), but with determination and faithfullness both the house and our spiritual lives will get the rewire it desperatley needs (fyi, it’s kinda creepy having light that randomly flicker this time of year). Our time in this “tiny house” is going to grow our faith, it’s going to challenge us, it’s going to prune us, and many many more things to come, but in the end it’s going to produce BIG FAITH for us.

Thanks for following our journey.

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